It’s so nice…in theory. I throw the question out there and wonder if this little arrangement actually works out for anyone? I’ve tried it myself (mainly as a distraction to get over someone else and have a little fun) but I ended up getting attached, lied to and hurt – hell, that bastard even broke my laptop! I knew it was coming (and come on, who doesn’t read all the “warnings” in magazines and listen to idiots like Tyra Banks ramble on about them) so really I had to accept the repercussions of my actions- how after school special is that?

I want to believe that some people, or maybe I should say some women, can actually accept this mutual usury…but I just can’t. I don’t judge people for having casual sex…I envy them. I love sex but maybe that’s the problem…love shouldn’t be before the word sex in a friends with benefits situation. In college, sex was always on the menu; there were so many guys that, at the very least, I found attractive enough to make out with. So how is it that in New York City, I can’t even find that?

Now I’ve got this little conundrum- there is a guy in my mutual group of friends (let’s call him “The Ghost”) and he’s made it perfectly and abundantly clear that he would like to have sex with me. Now, being a fairly attractive, friendly girl, this is not the first time I’ve received this proposition, but I’ve always refused since the incident mentioned above. I learned my lesson from that asshole- I was never going to let someone treat me like shit ever again, blah blah and all that she-power type crap. Whatever…my name is Claire and I like sex. The Ghost is cute…and has an amazing body…and he makes me laugh…but, to his credit, he has said TWICE that he “can’t do relationships right now due to things going on in his life” but he always has time for sex, apparently. Tonight we were texting back and forth (aka he was telling me to send him boob pics). To me, this means “I’m immature and want the best of both worlds” but who can blame him? He’s a guy with a job that keeps weird hours and hey, if he can go to a bar and “get the milk for free” then why not? You have to appreciate his honesty…and I think that’s what makes me even consider this little arrangement. But then I worry that I’ll get attached. No, who am I kidding? I KNOW I’ll get attached and I’ll then have to deal with the outcome of that. Plus I already had sex with one of his best friends who I really liked…and he crushed me, hard. I’m still not over that and even though The Ghost and his friend are completely different people (even The Ghost said this), I just couldn’t bear another 6 months of being sad and rejected. I go back and forth, back and forth even though I know deep down that I will only get hurt. And ultimately, I think “hey, I deserve more…why should I settle?” But is it really settling when you have nothing better? Isn’t that what settling is? When you have something better and you don’t care? Well I don’t have anything better and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Then there’s the little glimmer of optimism that I have left since being CRUSHED by so many men, that makes me think “hey, maybe he’ll realize he likes me as more than friends after we spend some time together?” YEAH CAUSE THAT HAPPENS SO OFTEN.

Basically I know that the cons are really outweighing the pros…but damn, it’s just…so…tempting.

Well, it’s officially been a year since Billy and I broke up. He called me the other day when I was driving into work to ask me about some story he read in the news that happened near my job. I thought that it was kind of odd that he wouldn’t just ask his friend, who works at the same place as me. Why did he feel it was necessary to call me up first thing in the morning just to laugh about some dumb fucking guy who’s GPS told him to make a right onto the Saw Mill, and instead, he made a right onto the train tracks which are about 10 feet before the Saw Mill. I mean, it was a pretty hilarious story, but still. I don’t understand why he felt compelled to call me for that one. And the last two times I talked to him, (the last one being about two or three months ago when he called because his mother lent me some Jesus book a long time ago that I never read and she wanted it back so that she could give it to someone else) I asked him how things are going with his new girlfriend, and both times he said, “Oh, pretty good” in his special little way that means “not as great as I would like, but since we’re just making small talk, I’m not going to go into detail. Why wouldn’t he just say, “Things are great!”??!?! HE’S SO BAD AT KNOWING WHEN TO LIE!! That’s why. He still hasn’t figured out that honesty is NOT always the best policy. Like, when you love your dog to the point where you gaze longingly into her eyes while caressing the area behind her ears before laying her down on top of you to settle in for a cozy tandem nap (yes, I’m still talking about his DOG), you should try to hide those special moments from your girlfriend who is overtly vying for your attention. With a dog. I had to compete with the dog. And his truck. The first year that we were dating, he told me his truck was an ‘83, as he rubbed the rusty hood. I told him that I was born in ‘83, so the truck and I were the same age. “And the truck’s in better condition!!” was his response. Fucking redneck.

So anyways, he kinda sorta left me with an open invitation to come up to the lake by his house and ice fish with him.

Is he really that dumb? Is it possible?

♣