This Saturday will mark one year since I lost my virginity. And I’ve been wondering how to commemorate such an event. I was thinking of sending my ex (we broke up not too long after the event) with something wonderfully passive aggressive like, “Happy Anniversary!” Though, to tell you the truth, it would surprise me if he even got what I was referring to. For all his poetic proclamations, he is less of a romantic than he claims to be. And as much as I wonder if he ever thinks of a year ago, and how happy we were, how sure he was of his feelings for me, I know he’s moved on. He’s not looking back. We’ve sort of kept in touch. We send each other funny texts every now and then, but we haven’t seen each other in about six months…since I realized that “staying friends” was just too much for me to handle.

Then I realized something: it’s not his anniversary. He lost his virignity some six years earlier (and he’s two years younger than me)! That stage in his life has come and gone. That was back in highschool. We didn’t know each other then and his night has nothing to do with me. This anniversary is mine and mine alone. And I think it’s better than way, actually. It took me a long time to get to that point in my life and, even if our relationship ended with my heart broken and him walking away, it was still worth it. It wasn’t so much that he broke down my walls as I let him do so. I finally found that I was able of loving someone and letting him in (literally AND figuratively, zing!).

So instead of being sad this Saturday, I think I should celebrate: celebrate how I grew as a person, how I became a lover instead of just a talker, how the girl who used to worry endlessly that she had already missed her chances finally took some. Sure, I lost my mind a little bit in the process, but at least I no longer felt like I was living my life only in my head. Maybe I can look back on that time happily and really believe that I’ve grown since then. Maybe, now that I know I am capable of falling in love, I can fall in love again, without losing my mind. And maybe now I can let go.

Well, it’s officially been a year since Billy and I broke up. He called me the other day when I was driving into work to ask me about some story he read in the news that happened near my job. I thought that it was kind of odd that he wouldn’t just ask his friend, who works at the same place as me. Why did he feel it was necessary to call me up first thing in the morning just to laugh about some dumb fucking guy who’s GPS told him to make a right onto the Saw Mill, and instead, he made a right onto the train tracks which are about 10 feet before the Saw Mill. I mean, it was a pretty hilarious story, but still. I don’t understand why he felt compelled to call me for that one. And the last two times I talked to him, (the last one being about two or three months ago when he called because his mother lent me some Jesus book a long time ago that I never read and she wanted it back so that she could give it to someone else) I asked him how things are going with his new girlfriend, and both times he said, “Oh, pretty good” in his special little way that means “not as great as I would like, but since we’re just making small talk, I’m not going to go into detail. Why wouldn’t he just say, “Things are great!”??!?! HE’S SO BAD AT KNOWING WHEN TO LIE!! That’s why. He still hasn’t figured out that honesty is NOT always the best policy. Like, when you love your dog to the point where you gaze longingly into her eyes while caressing the area behind her ears before laying her down on top of you to settle in for a cozy tandem nap (yes, I’m still talking about his DOG), you should try to hide those special moments from your girlfriend who is overtly vying for your attention. With a dog. I had to compete with the dog. And his truck. The first year that we were dating, he told me his truck was an ‘83, as he rubbed the rusty hood. I told him that I was born in ‘83, so the truck and I were the same age. “And the truck’s in better condition!!” was his response. Fucking redneck.

So anyways, he kinda sorta left me with an open invitation to come up to the lake by his house and ice fish with him.

Is he really that dumb? Is it possible?

♣