so i went out with text boy again on saturday, after our date last week went ok.  we went to dinner at a cute little italian restaurant that i didnt even know was there but i am totally going back (just not with him).  so hes already sitting when i get there and the waitress comes over and asks for my drink order, and i get wine.  and he doesnt order anything but water (and he also didnt get a grown up drink on our first date, so now im thinking this is strange).  then we start having this converstation about things about us that arent normal (like how i dont eat eggs) and he says that hes never had a beer in his life.  he says he drinks liquor, but not beer.  ok, so now im thinking mr. pansy pants cant have a beer with the guys watching a football game?  lame-o.  and then i said something weird about me, and then it was his turn again and he says he hates carrying things in his pockets and asks if i can put his wallet and phone and keys in my purse… yeah.  BUT i agreed because secretly i wanted to snoop on his cell phone if he ever went to the bathroom or something.

so dinner ended ok, i was actually having a good time, and then i suggested that we go to the bar down the street because tara and her friends were there.  so we get there and he starts acting really nervous.  i mean i can understand if he was nervous in front of my friends, but honestly we werent even talking to them much and then they left to sit at a table, so i dont think that was the reason.  he ordered our drinks from the bar, obviously i was suprised that he even got a drink.  so we just like kind of stood there, it was like he didnt know how to act in a bar, like hed never been in one before. really weird.   i had to go to the bathroom and when i came out he was standing in the middle of the bar looking at one of the tvs with his hands on his face like macully culkin in home alone.  i said whats wrong? and he tells me that the redskins just hired a new coach.  1. i dont give a shit.  2. why are you acting like macully culkin?  3. no one likes the redskins.

so im super bored and me and tara decide to go home, so i tell him i think we’re going to call it a night.  hes like ok and im putting my coat on and i give him back his stuff and hes checking his phone for messages.  i look over his shoulder and i see that he has like 4 missed calls and theyre all from girls… but not just any girls… all of the names say like “stephanie from eharmony” and “megan from match”… so this guy is hard core into dating websites… loser!

we walk to car and tara is with us so im like thank god he wont try and grope me at the car. i wanted to be polite so when i got home i texted him saying thanks again for dinner, because he did pay.  but then i realized that he’s texted or emailed or called me multiple times a day since i first met him, and im thinking even though it was fine at first, now its seems really creepy.  so sunday morning he texted me again asking if he could call me later.  ugh i said ok, knowing that i wasnt going to answer the phone   he calls me at like 8:30 and i dont answer and then he texts me that says “hey i just called”…. DUH.  so i didnt call him back but on sunday i emailed him saying that i got his messages and that i was asleep.  i havent heard from him since.  i feel kind of bad because he was nice at first, but then things just went downhill really fast.  this just justifies my cancellation of match.com. all guys on there have major issues.  im becoming a nun.

This Saturday will mark one year since I lost my virginity. And I’ve been wondering how to commemorate such an event. I was thinking of sending my ex (we broke up not too long after the event) with something wonderfully passive aggressive like, “Happy Anniversary!” Though, to tell you the truth, it would surprise me if he even got what I was referring to. For all his poetic proclamations, he is less of a romantic than he claims to be. And as much as I wonder if he ever thinks of a year ago, and how happy we were, how sure he was of his feelings for me, I know he’s moved on. He’s not looking back. We’ve sort of kept in touch. We send each other funny texts every now and then, but we haven’t seen each other in about six months…since I realized that “staying friends” was just too much for me to handle.

Then I realized something: it’s not his anniversary. He lost his virignity some six years earlier (and he’s two years younger than me)! That stage in his life has come and gone. That was back in highschool. We didn’t know each other then and his night has nothing to do with me. This anniversary is mine and mine alone. And I think it’s better than way, actually. It took me a long time to get to that point in my life and, even if our relationship ended with my heart broken and him walking away, it was still worth it. It wasn’t so much that he broke down my walls as I let him do so. I finally found that I was able of loving someone and letting him in (literally AND figuratively, zing!).

So instead of being sad this Saturday, I think I should celebrate: celebrate how I grew as a person, how I became a lover instead of just a talker, how the girl who used to worry endlessly that she had already missed her chances finally took some. Sure, I lost my mind a little bit in the process, but at least I no longer felt like I was living my life only in my head. Maybe I can look back on that time happily and really believe that I’ve grown since then. Maybe, now that I know I am capable of falling in love, I can fall in love again, without losing my mind. And maybe now I can let go.