i just got an email from this match.com guy, his name is scott, and he seriously said “if you would like to text, my phone number is…” LOL how did it come to this? no more talking on the phone, we must text in order to start a relationship. whatever, i’d rather text anyway.

claire:
I’m beginning to think either I have too much competition (i.e. too many hot, single girls in NYC) and/or the guys I’m talking to are so into their jobs they don’t seriously even have time for this.

me:
no i think its because guys our age dont really do match.com seriously, and if they do, theres something wrong with them.  cuz girls are like, oh this is easy and im not a loser, but guys are like, uh dude im not putting my picture on the internet, thats gay.

Oh my Erin.  Since I bared witness to this event I feel the need to interject.  I sat next to you at the table while we watched what? About four or five brides-to-be dance around in their tacky outfits with their rolls of fat bouncing around like a kid on a trampoline.  What it comes down to is this…we are not “wide load” kinda girls.  I’d bet money that all of their fiancés are just as fat and ugly as they are.  Maybe I’m wrong…maybe they won over these amazingly rich and hot men with their “winning personalities” OR maybe they just settled.  A friend of mine, who recently moved in with her boyfriend, was telling me how she has had to sacrifice certain things that she always thought she would want to be in her current relationship and she was ok with that.  She is ok with that because ultimately she knows that her boyfriend is the kind of man she will marry and he truly does care for her.  That means more to her than stereotypical good looks or a great job.  Maybe it’s us?  Maybe we’re NOT ready to settle and not at that point.  And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.  Yes, we are all attractive, smart, fun women and honestly- any guy would be LUCKY to date any of us.  I truly believe that will all my heart.  Yes, we all have our flaws…but who doesn’t?  I’m on a big empowerment kick right now after a weekend of your birthday fun and I refuse to let you (or anyone else) get down on yourself for not settling.  My point is that there is a time and a place for settling and this isn’t it.  My friend I mention above settled slightly because her priorities changed…this is different than saying “well, I mean…he does drink too much and he does have a dead-end job…but he’s really hot and he has good manners.”  Not the same.  Aim high.  I always aim for 10s…but to me, a 10 is an entire package between looks, intelligence and personality.  If they don’t have a good mix of the three, well then they simply can’t BE a 10.  Beep…Beep…Beep to THAT, bitch.

p.s. – while typing up this post, I’ve been simultaneously having a sexual text conversation with Casper the friendly ghost…so really, what the fuck do I know?

So during my birthday celebration (at a bar that is popular for bachellorette parties), we noticed that every bride-to-be was, to be eloquent, fat and ugly.  One of the brides was actually wearing yellow caution tape as a sash.  And I wouldn’t be suprised if she was going to wear a “WIDE LOAD” sticker on her ass while she walks down the isle.  But the point isn’t that these girls were unattractive, it’s that they actually found that special someone to share their lives with, while we are sitting around, good-looking and single.  What do these girls have that I don’t?  Am I just a miserable person?  I hate my job, I don’t have any money, and I get really cranky if things don’t go my way.  But who doesn’t?! 

Enter the number system:  If we’re all rated on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the prettiest, you can only date people who are at or below your number.  So if I was a 7, I could only date 7s and below.  But the problem is that we all want to aim higher.  And we’re not honest with ourselves about our own number.  So say I think I’m a 7, when actually I’m a 5, and I’m aiming for guys who are 9s.  That’s a difference of 4, and that’s never going to happen.  Add in the stereotype that super-attractive 9s also have a good chance of being arrogant selfish assholes.  So my whole life I’m wasting my time with 9s, when I should be picking out china with a 5.  But who wants to spend the rest of their sad pathetic life waking up next to a 5? Beep… Beep… Beep…

And here are 26 reasons why I like my cat better than guys:

1. She’s clean

2. She’s soft

3. She’s always home for me to play with

4. She won’t get fat

5. She licks my face, in a nice way

6. She snuggles

7. She doesn’t snuggle with others

8. She always loves what I give her for dinner

9. She lets me pick what tv show to watch

10. She doesn’t care if I take up the whole bed

11. She always listens when I’m talking

12. She knows when I’m mad, and to just hide under the bed

13. She likes my mother

14. She doesn’t snore

15. She doesn’t leave fur in the sink

16. She makes me laugh

17. She can’t break up with me

18. She has a cute butt

19. She doesn’t have illigetimate kittens

20. She doesn’t have weird relatives

21. She doesn’t care if I shave my legs

22. She’s easy to shop for

23. She loves all of the presents I buy her

24. She’ll do anything for a treat

25. She purrs when I rub her tummy

26. She always remembers my birthday!!!

Okay, sorry Claire. Don’t hate me for this one.  I had a short-lived text message sex situation with a certain sweaty mechanic who has made me want to stab my own eyes out for the past three years that I’ve known him/wanted to lick the bottom of his shoes (or his chest…whichever).  It started this past March, when he awkwardly admitted that he had had feelings for me for the previous two years that we had known each other, depsite his girlfriend (and my ex boyfriend who I had just broken up with two months prior).  So since we both had the hots for one another but couldn’t do much about it because of the she-devil he refuses to break up with, we spent a lovely evening sending each other sexy and even better, skanky, texts while he was at a wedding.  It was the red-headed spawn of Satan’s friend who was marrying her baby daddy, and since she was a bridesmaid, my beefy mechanic had to sit at a table with the other leftovers (most of whom didn’t speak English).  So with his sunglasses on, he sat at the table for 4 hours and texted me his dirtiest thoughts.  The whole time he was looking up and nodding or winking at the spawn to keep her satisfied so that she wouldn’t go over and bother him.  Eventually his battery died and that was the end of that.  Until work the next day …

“Hey do you like sports?” was the only content of an email I just got from sportsguy253.  And now I am no longer a subscriber to internet dating sites.  That’s it, it pushed me over the edge.  You’re probably thinking, “Why? That doesn’t sound like an absurd question.”  But it totally proves my theory that guys on internet dating sites fall into 5 categories:

1. Ugly (beware of “Ask me for my photo.”)

2. Socially retarded

3. Has a job that completely consumes his life

4. Pervert

5. Not interested in girls

Sportsguy253 falls into category #5.  If a guys says “I’m looking for a girl who likes the outdoors, likes to play sports, likes to watch sports, likes to talk about sports, and likes to try new sports” he’s totally a #5.  Hey buddy, you’re not looking for a girlfriend, you’re looking for a dude, and that’s why you’re single.  And most girls who are THAT athletic are border line lesbian, so it only makes sense that #5s have never found love. Now, guys can be a member of more than one category.  They like to use excuses like, “I just moved here,” “I’m tired of the bar scene,” and “I like to get to know new people.”  Bull shit.  Pick a number.

Has it really come to this?  I know its 2008 and it’s the decade of AIM, MSN Messenger, G-Chat, Treos, BlackBerrys, Bluetooth, Sidekicks and the iPhone, but sex messaging?  Really???  Don’t get me wrong…I’m not one to turn down any kind of technology; I mean, I actually think I have an addiction to the internet (i.e. reading PerezHilton.com, checking Facebook and MySpace, etc.) however, where exactly do we draw the line?

Personally, I secretly curse all of this technology.  It may seem fucking fantastic that you can check out the MySpace page of the guy you formerly thought you were going to marry – oh, and let’s not forget his new girlfriend.  I’m not the only one who looks at the pictures, analyzing everything from her faux tan that’s so NOT the good spray on kind (and I also count down the days until the sun makes her look like a 78 year old piece of leather) to how she wears pink ALL THE FUCKING TIME and how completely obnoxious that is.  You may even think that you’re lucky that you’re facebook friends with the guy’s new girlfriend or “whatever” that you spent the summer obsessing over.  The same guy that you thought was great because he was actually into dating girls…just not YOU.  It’s a curse.  All of this technology is a giant mind fuck.  I miss the good old days when you called someone’s – GASP – land line.  Now, I couldn’t name five people under the age of 30 that even HAVE a land line.  If they weren’t there…hey, they have a fucking LIFE and you don’t.  You leave a message on their answering machine and they get it when they get it. 

My point is this- are we that fucking lazy?  Not only are we too lazy to have actual sex but we’re lazy to the point where we don’t even want to use our weekday minutes to have phone sex?  So instead, we count in that we have the sweet $4.99 a month deal from AT&T where we get 1500 text messages a month and figure hey…”I have a QWERTY keyboard on my Palm Treo…why not?” 

 The Ghost is infamous for this.  The texts start our innocently enough and then I get “send me a pic of your boobs or a side profile of your body” or he asks “what are you doing” and when I respond “sitting on my bed studying” he replies “ok…start rubbing your tits and get yourself comfortable.”  Excuse me?  I’m not studying for my mammogram…I’m studying Italian, asshole. 

It’s so nice…in theory. I throw the question out there and wonder if this little arrangement actually works out for anyone? I’ve tried it myself (mainly as a distraction to get over someone else and have a little fun) but I ended up getting attached, lied to and hurt – hell, that bastard even broke my laptop! I knew it was coming (and come on, who doesn’t read all the “warnings” in magazines and listen to idiots like Tyra Banks ramble on about them) so really I had to accept the repercussions of my actions- how after school special is that?

I want to believe that some people, or maybe I should say some women, can actually accept this mutual usury…but I just can’t. I don’t judge people for having casual sex…I envy them. I love sex but maybe that’s the problem…love shouldn’t be before the word sex in a friends with benefits situation. In college, sex was always on the menu; there were so many guys that, at the very least, I found attractive enough to make out with. So how is it that in New York City, I can’t even find that?

Now I’ve got this little conundrum- there is a guy in my mutual group of friends (let’s call him “The Ghost”) and he’s made it perfectly and abundantly clear that he would like to have sex with me. Now, being a fairly attractive, friendly girl, this is not the first time I’ve received this proposition, but I’ve always refused since the incident mentioned above. I learned my lesson from that asshole- I was never going to let someone treat me like shit ever again, blah blah and all that she-power type crap. Whatever…my name is Claire and I like sex. The Ghost is cute…and has an amazing body…and he makes me laugh…but, to his credit, he has said TWICE that he “can’t do relationships right now due to things going on in his life” but he always has time for sex, apparently. Tonight we were texting back and forth (aka he was telling me to send him boob pics). To me, this means “I’m immature and want the best of both worlds” but who can blame him? He’s a guy with a job that keeps weird hours and hey, if he can go to a bar and “get the milk for free” then why not? You have to appreciate his honesty…and I think that’s what makes me even consider this little arrangement. But then I worry that I’ll get attached. No, who am I kidding? I KNOW I’ll get attached and I’ll then have to deal with the outcome of that. Plus I already had sex with one of his best friends who I really liked…and he crushed me, hard. I’m still not over that and even though The Ghost and his friend are completely different people (even The Ghost said this), I just couldn’t bear another 6 months of being sad and rejected. I go back and forth, back and forth even though I know deep down that I will only get hurt. And ultimately, I think “hey, I deserve more…why should I settle?” But is it really settling when you have nothing better? Isn’t that what settling is? When you have something better and you don’t care? Well I don’t have anything better and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Then there’s the little glimmer of optimism that I have left since being CRUSHED by so many men, that makes me think “hey, maybe he’ll realize he likes me as more than friends after we spend some time together?” YEAH CAUSE THAT HAPPENS SO OFTEN.

Basically I know that the cons are really outweighing the pros…but damn, it’s just…so…tempting.

Well, it’s officially been a year since Billy and I broke up. He called me the other day when I was driving into work to ask me about some story he read in the news that happened near my job. I thought that it was kind of odd that he wouldn’t just ask his friend, who works at the same place as me. Why did he feel it was necessary to call me up first thing in the morning just to laugh about some dumb fucking guy who’s GPS told him to make a right onto the Saw Mill, and instead, he made a right onto the train tracks which are about 10 feet before the Saw Mill. I mean, it was a pretty hilarious story, but still. I don’t understand why he felt compelled to call me for that one. And the last two times I talked to him, (the last one being about two or three months ago when he called because his mother lent me some Jesus book a long time ago that I never read and she wanted it back so that she could give it to someone else) I asked him how things are going with his new girlfriend, and both times he said, “Oh, pretty good” in his special little way that means “not as great as I would like, but since we’re just making small talk, I’m not going to go into detail. Why wouldn’t he just say, “Things are great!”??!?! HE’S SO BAD AT KNOWING WHEN TO LIE!! That’s why. He still hasn’t figured out that honesty is NOT always the best policy. Like, when you love your dog to the point where you gaze longingly into her eyes while caressing the area behind her ears before laying her down on top of you to settle in for a cozy tandem nap (yes, I’m still talking about his DOG), you should try to hide those special moments from your girlfriend who is overtly vying for your attention. With a dog. I had to compete with the dog. And his truck. The first year that we were dating, he told me his truck was an ‘83, as he rubbed the rusty hood. I told him that I was born in ‘83, so the truck and I were the same age. “And the truck’s in better condition!!” was his response. Fucking redneck.

So anyways, he kinda sorta left me with an open invitation to come up to the lake by his house and ice fish with him.

Is he really that dumb? Is it possible?

♣