so i went out with text boy again on saturday, after our date last week went ok.  we went to dinner at a cute little italian restaurant that i didnt even know was there but i am totally going back (just not with him).  so hes already sitting when i get there and the waitress comes over and asks for my drink order, and i get wine.  and he doesnt order anything but water (and he also didnt get a grown up drink on our first date, so now im thinking this is strange).  then we start having this converstation about things about us that arent normal (like how i dont eat eggs) and he says that hes never had a beer in his life.  he says he drinks liquor, but not beer.  ok, so now im thinking mr. pansy pants cant have a beer with the guys watching a football game?  lame-o.  and then i said something weird about me, and then it was his turn again and he says he hates carrying things in his pockets and asks if i can put his wallet and phone and keys in my purse… yeah.  BUT i agreed because secretly i wanted to snoop on his cell phone if he ever went to the bathroom or something.

so dinner ended ok, i was actually having a good time, and then i suggested that we go to the bar down the street because tara and her friends were there.  so we get there and he starts acting really nervous.  i mean i can understand if he was nervous in front of my friends, but honestly we werent even talking to them much and then they left to sit at a table, so i dont think that was the reason.  he ordered our drinks from the bar, obviously i was suprised that he even got a drink.  so we just like kind of stood there, it was like he didnt know how to act in a bar, like hed never been in one before. really weird.   i had to go to the bathroom and when i came out he was standing in the middle of the bar looking at one of the tvs with his hands on his face like macully culkin in home alone.  i said whats wrong? and he tells me that the redskins just hired a new coach.  1. i dont give a shit.  2. why are you acting like macully culkin?  3. no one likes the redskins.

so im super bored and me and tara decide to go home, so i tell him i think we’re going to call it a night.  hes like ok and im putting my coat on and i give him back his stuff and hes checking his phone for messages.  i look over his shoulder and i see that he has like 4 missed calls and theyre all from girls… but not just any girls… all of the names say like “stephanie from eharmony” and “megan from match”… so this guy is hard core into dating websites… loser!

we walk to car and tara is with us so im like thank god he wont try and grope me at the car. i wanted to be polite so when i got home i texted him saying thanks again for dinner, because he did pay.  but then i realized that he’s texted or emailed or called me multiple times a day since i first met him, and im thinking even though it was fine at first, now its seems really creepy.  so sunday morning he texted me again asking if he could call me later.  ugh i said ok, knowing that i wasnt going to answer the phone   he calls me at like 8:30 and i dont answer and then he texts me that says “hey i just called”…. DUH.  so i didnt call him back but on sunday i emailed him saying that i got his messages and that i was asleep.  i havent heard from him since.  i feel kind of bad because he was nice at first, but then things just went downhill really fast.  this just justifies my cancellation of match.com. all guys on there have major issues.  im becoming a nun.

This Saturday will mark one year since I lost my virginity. And I’ve been wondering how to commemorate such an event. I was thinking of sending my ex (we broke up not too long after the event) with something wonderfully passive aggressive like, “Happy Anniversary!” Though, to tell you the truth, it would surprise me if he even got what I was referring to. For all his poetic proclamations, he is less of a romantic than he claims to be. And as much as I wonder if he ever thinks of a year ago, and how happy we were, how sure he was of his feelings for me, I know he’s moved on. He’s not looking back. We’ve sort of kept in touch. We send each other funny texts every now and then, but we haven’t seen each other in about six months…since I realized that “staying friends” was just too much for me to handle.

Then I realized something: it’s not his anniversary. He lost his virignity some six years earlier (and he’s two years younger than me)! That stage in his life has come and gone. That was back in highschool. We didn’t know each other then and his night has nothing to do with me. This anniversary is mine and mine alone. And I think it’s better than way, actually. It took me a long time to get to that point in my life and, even if our relationship ended with my heart broken and him walking away, it was still worth it. It wasn’t so much that he broke down my walls as I let him do so. I finally found that I was able of loving someone and letting him in (literally AND figuratively, zing!).

So instead of being sad this Saturday, I think I should celebrate: celebrate how I grew as a person, how I became a lover instead of just a talker, how the girl who used to worry endlessly that she had already missed her chances finally took some. Sure, I lost my mind a little bit in the process, but at least I no longer felt like I was living my life only in my head. Maybe I can look back on that time happily and really believe that I’ve grown since then. Maybe, now that I know I am capable of falling in love, I can fall in love again, without losing my mind. And maybe now I can let go.

i just got an email from this match.com guy, his name is scott, and he seriously said “if you would like to text, my phone number is…” LOL how did it come to this? no more talking on the phone, we must text in order to start a relationship. whatever, i’d rather text anyway.

claire:
I’m beginning to think either I have too much competition (i.e. too many hot, single girls in NYC) and/or the guys I’m talking to are so into their jobs they don’t seriously even have time for this.

me:
no i think its because guys our age dont really do match.com seriously, and if they do, theres something wrong with them.  cuz girls are like, oh this is easy and im not a loser, but guys are like, uh dude im not putting my picture on the internet, thats gay.

Oh my Erin.  Since I bared witness to this event I feel the need to interject.  I sat next to you at the table while we watched what? About four or five brides-to-be dance around in their tacky outfits with their rolls of fat bouncing around like a kid on a trampoline.  What it comes down to is this…we are not “wide load” kinda girls.  I’d bet money that all of their fiancés are just as fat and ugly as they are.  Maybe I’m wrong…maybe they won over these amazingly rich and hot men with their “winning personalities” OR maybe they just settled.  A friend of mine, who recently moved in with her boyfriend, was telling me how she has had to sacrifice certain things that she always thought she would want to be in her current relationship and she was ok with that.  She is ok with that because ultimately she knows that her boyfriend is the kind of man she will marry and he truly does care for her.  That means more to her than stereotypical good looks or a great job.  Maybe it’s us?  Maybe we’re NOT ready to settle and not at that point.  And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.  Yes, we are all attractive, smart, fun women and honestly- any guy would be LUCKY to date any of us.  I truly believe that will all my heart.  Yes, we all have our flaws…but who doesn’t?  I’m on a big empowerment kick right now after a weekend of your birthday fun and I refuse to let you (or anyone else) get down on yourself for not settling.  My point is that there is a time and a place for settling and this isn’t it.  My friend I mention above settled slightly because her priorities changed…this is different than saying “well, I mean…he does drink too much and he does have a dead-end job…but he’s really hot and he has good manners.”  Not the same.  Aim high.  I always aim for 10s…but to me, a 10 is an entire package between looks, intelligence and personality.  If they don’t have a good mix of the three, well then they simply can’t BE a 10.  Beep…Beep…Beep to THAT, bitch.

p.s. – while typing up this post, I’ve been simultaneously having a sexual text conversation with Casper the friendly ghost…so really, what the fuck do I know?

So during my birthday celebration (at a bar that is popular for bachellorette parties), we noticed that every bride-to-be was, to be eloquent, fat and ugly.  One of the brides was actually wearing yellow caution tape as a sash.  And I wouldn’t be suprised if she was going to wear a “WIDE LOAD” sticker on her ass while she walks down the isle.  But the point isn’t that these girls were unattractive, it’s that they actually found that special someone to share their lives with, while we are sitting around, good-looking and single.  What do these girls have that I don’t?  Am I just a miserable person?  I hate my job, I don’t have any money, and I get really cranky if things don’t go my way.  But who doesn’t?! 

Enter the number system:  If we’re all rated on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the prettiest, you can only date people who are at or below your number.  So if I was a 7, I could only date 7s and below.  But the problem is that we all want to aim higher.  And we’re not honest with ourselves about our own number.  So say I think I’m a 7, when actually I’m a 5, and I’m aiming for guys who are 9s.  That’s a difference of 4, and that’s never going to happen.  Add in the stereotype that super-attractive 9s also have a good chance of being arrogant selfish assholes.  So my whole life I’m wasting my time with 9s, when I should be picking out china with a 5.  But who wants to spend the rest of their sad pathetic life waking up next to a 5? Beep… Beep… Beep…

And here are 26 reasons why I like my cat better than guys:

1. She’s clean

2. She’s soft

3. She’s always home for me to play with

4. She won’t get fat

5. She licks my face, in a nice way

6. She snuggles

7. She doesn’t snuggle with others

8. She always loves what I give her for dinner

9. She lets me pick what tv show to watch

10. She doesn’t care if I take up the whole bed

11. She always listens when I’m talking

12. She knows when I’m mad, and to just hide under the bed

13. She likes my mother

14. She doesn’t snore

15. She doesn’t leave fur in the sink

16. She makes me laugh

17. She can’t break up with me

18. She has a cute butt

19. She doesn’t have illigetimate kittens

20. She doesn’t have weird relatives

21. She doesn’t care if I shave my legs

22. She’s easy to shop for

23. She loves all of the presents I buy her

24. She’ll do anything for a treat

25. She purrs when I rub her tummy

26. She always remembers my birthday!!!

Okay, sorry Claire. Don’t hate me for this one.  I had a short-lived text message sex situation with a certain sweaty mechanic who has made me want to stab my own eyes out for the past three years that I’ve known him/wanted to lick the bottom of his shoes (or his chest…whichever).  It started this past March, when he awkwardly admitted that he had had feelings for me for the previous two years that we had known each other, depsite his girlfriend (and my ex boyfriend who I had just broken up with two months prior).  So since we both had the hots for one another but couldn’t do much about it because of the she-devil he refuses to break up with, we spent a lovely evening sending each other sexy and even better, skanky, texts while he was at a wedding.  It was the red-headed spawn of Satan’s friend who was marrying her baby daddy, and since she was a bridesmaid, my beefy mechanic had to sit at a table with the other leftovers (most of whom didn’t speak English).  So with his sunglasses on, he sat at the table for 4 hours and texted me his dirtiest thoughts.  The whole time he was looking up and nodding or winking at the spawn to keep her satisfied so that she wouldn’t go over and bother him.  Eventually his battery died and that was the end of that.  Until work the next day …

“Hey do you like sports?” was the only content of an email I just got from sportsguy253.  And now I am no longer a subscriber to internet dating sites.  That’s it, it pushed me over the edge.  You’re probably thinking, “Why? That doesn’t sound like an absurd question.”  But it totally proves my theory that guys on internet dating sites fall into 5 categories:

1. Ugly (beware of “Ask me for my photo.”)

2. Socially retarded

3. Has a job that completely consumes his life

4. Pervert

5. Not interested in girls

Sportsguy253 falls into category #5.  If a guys says “I’m looking for a girl who likes the outdoors, likes to play sports, likes to watch sports, likes to talk about sports, and likes to try new sports” he’s totally a #5.  Hey buddy, you’re not looking for a girlfriend, you’re looking for a dude, and that’s why you’re single.  And most girls who are THAT athletic are border line lesbian, so it only makes sense that #5s have never found love. Now, guys can be a member of more than one category.  They like to use excuses like, “I just moved here,” “I’m tired of the bar scene,” and “I like to get to know new people.”  Bull shit.  Pick a number.

Has it really come to this?  I know its 2008 and it’s the decade of AIM, MSN Messenger, G-Chat, Treos, BlackBerrys, Bluetooth, Sidekicks and the iPhone, but sex messaging?  Really???  Don’t get me wrong…I’m not one to turn down any kind of technology; I mean, I actually think I have an addiction to the internet (i.e. reading PerezHilton.com, checking Facebook and MySpace, etc.) however, where exactly do we draw the line?

Personally, I secretly curse all of this technology.  It may seem fucking fantastic that you can check out the MySpace page of the guy you formerly thought you were going to marry – oh, and let’s not forget his new girlfriend.  I’m not the only one who looks at the pictures, analyzing everything from her faux tan that’s so NOT the good spray on kind (and I also count down the days until the sun makes her look like a 78 year old piece of leather) to how she wears pink ALL THE FUCKING TIME and how completely obnoxious that is.  You may even think that you’re lucky that you’re facebook friends with the guy’s new girlfriend or “whatever” that you spent the summer obsessing over.  The same guy that you thought was great because he was actually into dating girls…just not YOU.  It’s a curse.  All of this technology is a giant mind fuck.  I miss the good old days when you called someone’s – GASP – land line.  Now, I couldn’t name five people under the age of 30 that even HAVE a land line.  If they weren’t there…hey, they have a fucking LIFE and you don’t.  You leave a message on their answering machine and they get it when they get it. 

My point is this- are we that fucking lazy?  Not only are we too lazy to have actual sex but we’re lazy to the point where we don’t even want to use our weekday minutes to have phone sex?  So instead, we count in that we have the sweet $4.99 a month deal from AT&T where we get 1500 text messages a month and figure hey…”I have a QWERTY keyboard on my Palm Treo…why not?” 

 The Ghost is infamous for this.  The texts start our innocently enough and then I get “send me a pic of your boobs or a side profile of your body” or he asks “what are you doing” and when I respond “sitting on my bed studying” he replies “ok…start rubbing your tits and get yourself comfortable.”  Excuse me?  I’m not studying for my mammogram…I’m studying Italian, asshole.